


i almost lost you

by thorins



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Eddie survives, Fix-It, M/M, i didnt read this over again so im sorry for any mistakes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-27 19:22:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20953625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thorins/pseuds/thorins
Summary: „Richie, we have to leave,“ Mike urged, holding onto Richies shoulder, gripping his shirt tightly, trying in vain to make him let go of Eddie.„I‘m not leaving without him.“





	i almost lost you

„Richie, we have to leave,“ Mike urged, his voice calm and steady, but if any of the others had listened closely, they would have heard the pain and the panic. None of them did. He was holding onto Richies shoulder, gripping his shirt tightly, trying in vain to make him let go of Eddie.

„We can still help him. Please,“ Richie begged, looking at Mike without really looking at him. Then he turned back to look at Eddie, grasping his face between his hands, his fingers sliding over his still warm cheeks, being careful of his patch and the wound it protected, shaking him for a reaction that would not come.

„Honey,“ Beverly began, her voice quivering „Honey, he‘s dead.“ She hesitated, let Richie have a fraction of a moment to let it settle in. „We have to go.“

Richies vision was getting almost as blurry as it was without his glasses „I‘m not leaving without him.“

„Rich-,“ 

„No. I‘m not leaving without him.“ 

Ben and Mike both rushed forward to try and grab his shoulders again in a quiet panic as the walls around them started to rumble and shake. „Let me go!“ Richie struggled, flinging his arms around to release their grip on him, and fell back to Eddies side. His Eddie. His best friend.

Pressing his forehead against Eddies, he shut his eyes as tightly as he could, making the tears stop, if just for a second, and took a few heavy breaths. He then shoved his right arm underneath Eddies limp knees and wrapped the other one around his shoulder, lifting him up steadily, carefully. 

Ben jumped forward and slung Eddies arm around Richies neck to make carrying him easier. Richie gave him an attempt at a smile in return although it looked painful.

As rocks and boulders started falling at a more rapid pace and with more vigor, the losers ran. Bill, their Big Bill, lead the group, slackening his pace every few minutes to take a look behind himself to check if everyone was still there. He helped Richie carry Eddie when their path lead back up the stone tunnel and out of the luke. He guided them until they were back in the Neibolt house and until they were out of it again.

Mike ran out of the house last, his foot just barely off of the creaking wood as it started to fall in on itself. „Call an ambulance!“ Richie yelled with desperation as soon as he and Eddie were out of harms way. Out on the street he gently lowered Eddies body onto the ground. And even though they all knew it was for nothing, Beverly hastily pulled out her phone to make a call.

Richie couldn‘t make out all of Beverlys words and if he was being honest, he didn‘t really want to either. He would hear her say „he‘s been impaled“ and „he‘s not breathing“ and Richie felt like the world stopped spinning. In a way, his world did.

The wait for the ambulance felt like it stretched for over an hour. It was 10 minutes long. 

The first responders quickly and carefully put Eddie onto a stretcher and loaded him into the ambulance and began to try and reanimate him with a defibrillator.

All of the losers were standing outside of the ambulance and watching and hoping, and every time the shockwave would go through Eddies chest, they would flinch and more tears would roll down their cheeks. And, although the paramedics did not seem to be hopeful, they tried. They really tried. 

It took five shocks for Eddie to respond.

„We have him back,“ one of the paramedics said in a quiet voice full of disbelief and euphoria. Beverly fell into Bens arms and they held each other and cried and cried. Mike gripped Bills shoulder and rubbed his eyes with the back of his palm whilst Bill dried his own tears and stroked Mikes hand. Richie broke down. He fell on his knees and cried harder than he‘d ever cried before and he thanked some unknown entity more than he‘d ever thought he would. 

„Now that he is stable we will bring him to the hospital,“ one of the paramedics stated, still clearly in shock and keeping watch over Eddies condition.

Richie stammered, trying to speak despite his voice quivering like hell „can I- can I be with him?“

One of the paramedics gave him a glance „what relation do you have to the patient?“

„I‘m his- I‘m his partner,“ he managed. He didn‘t care that it wasn‘t the truth. He just wanted to be with Eddie.

„Alright, get in, we have to hurry,“ the paramedic replied quickly, ushering Richie to hop in and she showed him where he could stand so he wouldn‘t be in their way. 

Richies head was spinning as the siren took over everything else he could hear. It droned on and on, consuming him, pulling him back to a different reality he didn‘t want to imagine. He thought of what would have happened had the ambulance not arrived this soon. He thought of what could still happen. His fear was growing and he was sweating. Trying to ground himself by looking at Eddies rising and lowering chest, reassuring himself that his Eddie was going to live. He‘ll be okay. He‘ll be alright.

Eddie is the bravest person he knows. And the toughest. Richie knows Eddie will make it through this even if it‘s only by Eddies will to annoy Richie some more. 

The siren was still blaring and some metal utensils were clanking somewhere from the bumpy road they were on. Richie tried not to listen to those things anymore. 

When they arrived at the hospital a few doctors opened the ambulance door and them and the paramedics rushed Eddie into the building with Richie running after them the entire way. 

Until they told him he couldn‘t go any further. They brought Eddie to the ICU. Richie wasn‘t told what they would do with Eddie or when he would get to see him again.

With heavy feet Richie dragged himself to a row of chairs where he fell into one with a deep and shaky sigh. He began to cry again. From the fear, the stress, the grief, the worry, the relief. All of it came crushing down on him like the tide hitting the shore. 

Once in a while a nurse would stop by and reassure him that everything will be fine, whoever he is waiting for will make it. That whoever he is waiting for will come back to him. It won‘t be over. The doctors give their best and they don‘t ever give up.

The nurses would bring him tissues. And sometimes they would sit with him for a while. Just sit with him. So he wouldn‘t feel alone.

Sometimes it even helped.

—

The rest of the losers arrived about two hours after Richie did. They rushed into the hospital and asked for Eddies information. The receptionist kindly told them that he was in the ICU and they they would have to wait for him. So they did.

Finding Richie wasn‘t a hard task; it never was. He was sitting all by himself on an uncomfortable looking chair, his hands in his jacket pockets, looking as lost as ever. Beverly was the first to approach him.

She sat down beside him and for a few seconds she just examined him, then she put her arm around him and rested her head against his shoulder. „He‘ll be okay,“ she said gently. 

Without saying anything, Richie took off his glasses and covered his eyes with his fingers, and Beverly could feel the sobs shoot through him. The other losers began approaching as well, Bill sitting down next to Richie and Ben and Mike standing in front of them. Bill stroked Richies back whilst Beverly continued to just hold him, and after a while his sobs quietened down. 

They all settled in on the row of seats eventually, all staring blankly at one spot, waiting for any news of Eddie. 

„We defeated It,“ Ben then reminded, his voice astonished and he sounded as though he only just realized it. „Yeah, w-w-we did,“ Bill said, just as shocked as Ben. „It‘s finally over.“

They all shared a smile, a triumph just between them, except for Richie. He stared at the grey hospital floor like it was his religion, his mind still consumed by the What If‘s. He guessed they will never stop. At least not until he had Eddie smiling at him again. 

They continued sitting there for four more hours. Once in a while one of them would go to the cafeteria and get them all a coffee, or something small to nibble on. Ben, who was sitting next to Beverly, was stroking her hand softly with his thumb, her head resting on his shoulders as she closed her eyes just for a quiet moment. A moment for them. He smiled to himself and thanked the nothingness for having given him this. 

Another thirty minutes passed before a nurse came out of the door labeled ICU. Richies head shot up at the noise, and he sat up more upright, hoping for some news on Eddie. 

But the nurse just gave him a small smile and walked past them, and Richie deflated again. Mike and Bill both noticed but decided against speaking up. What would they have said? What was there to say?

So they waited again. And another hour passed by until another nurse came out of that same door. But this time was different. She made a beeline for Richie as quickly as she could. Richie instantaneously looked up at her and when he noticed she was walking right towards them, he stood up and walked towards her, meeting her in the middle.

„The surgery went well and he is resting now. His condition is stable so you are allowed to visit him. But he is still asleep and we don‘t know when he will wake up.“

Richie began crying again, out of luck, out of happiness, out of relief. He could only nod in response. „Follow me,“ the nurse said quietly before she walked ahead of Richie, back towards the door leading to the ICU. She held the door open for him and when the other losers approached her after Richie went through, she explained everything to them exactly as she had explained to Richie with the exception that they would not be allowed inside. „Since Mr. Tozier is Mr. Kaspbraks partner he is allowed to visit but since you aren‘t in close relation to the patient you will have to wait outside. I‘m sorry.“ 

Beverly replied with a short „Okay, yeah, thank you,“ before she turned back around to sit down again, the others following her without saying anything.

—-

The ICU smelled even worse than the rest of the vast halls of the hospital. That was the first thing Richie noticed as he was being lead through a hallway. He focused simply on his steps and on the nurse showing him the way. Shortly after, the nurse came to a stop next to a door labelled „9“. She opened the door and held it open for Richie, following inside after he entered.

Eddie was lying there so peacefully despite all of the tubes and machines he was hooked on. Richie quickly walked towards the bed and the nurse got him a chair from out of the corner of the room. „Thank you,“ he whispered, steadying himself on the chair he was just given. „You‘re welcome,“ she smiled. 

Richie sat down then, pulling the chair as closely to the bed, to Eddie, as possible. „He‘s very lucky,“ the nurse, Max, Richie noted from her name tag that he had only just noticed, began „To have you by his side.“

„Thank you,“ Richie stammered, not looking at her. He felt ashamed for lying. He wasn‘t Eddies partner or boyfriend or whatever it is that he claimed to be and he never will be. He felt so sick of himself. 

But he wished for it to be true so bad.

„Can- Can I touch him?“ 

„Sure, just be careful of the tubes,“ Max replied with a small smile. „I will leave you two alone for now.“ Then she left, and the last sound Richie heard was the door shutting behind her.

Hesitantly, he reached out for Eddies hand, and he pulled it towards himself to hold it. Just to hold it. To hold Eddie.

Hours went by with Richie just sitting there and talking to Eddie, hoping he could somehow hear him. „We did it, Eds. We really did it. We made it,“ he‘d say. Over and over again. Maybe it wasn‘t just for Eddies ears. Maybe it was to convince himself too, to reaffirm it to himself, to realize that this was real. The beast that had plagues this town for centuries and tortured them for almost their entire life was finally defeated. 

Sometimes Max would show up, checking in on Eddie. Somtimes another nurse would come instead. His name was Arthur and he had really kind eyes. 

„He‘s strong,“ he commented one time whilst checking Eddies vitals „he‘ll probably wake up in no time. Someones definitely watching over him,“ Arthur said, looking over Eddies body to smile at Richie. Richie smiled back, letting his gaze drop to Eddies limp hand in his.

„Yeah,“ he breathed. 

Then Arthur left again, and Richie was back to being alone with his thoughts and a sleeping Eddie by his side. He wondered about the nurses words, about how someone was watching over Eddie. All Richie could think about was a young boy enthralled with birds, a young boy who loved them all so much, despite barely ever admitting it. A young boy who continued to look after them time and time again, giving them showercaps to protect their hair of spiders, warning them of various dangers they were getting into but still following them into them. The boy that knew all of Richies secrets, the secrets he would share with him when they were sitting in his room late at night. Stan even knew his biggest secret, and he never even dared of judging Richie for it. 

And Richie hated himself for ever having allowed himself to forget him.

Yes, Richie thought, there really was someone watching over Eddie.

And with Stan and Eddie on his mind, Richie slowly drifted off to sleep. The exhaustion of the day having worn him out too heavily for him to keep his eyes open any longer.

—

„Do you think they‘ll tell us when he wakes up?“ Ben asked, his leg bopping up and down rhythmically. „I th-think so,“ Bill replied, his gaze fixed to the door across the short hallway. „At least I h-huh-hope so,“ he continued. 

„I‘m sure they will,“ Beverly assured. She didn‘t know for certain, but she didn‘t want anybody to worry more than they needed to. „Besides, Richie is with him. He‘d come and tell us if no one else did.“ 

„Yeah,“ Ben tried to convince himself. „I need a coffee, anybody else need something?“ 

—-

Richie was woken up by two hushed voices speaking. He opened his bleary eyes and raised his head only to notice that Eddies hand was no longer in his. 

„Eddie?“ he asked groggily, his brain not quite registering all of his surroundings yet. Then it all started to seep back in again. He felt the light breeze from the opened window again, heard the white curtains rustling from the wind. Noticed the blinding light illuminating the entire room, focused back on Eddie lying in front of him and Max standing by his side. 

„'D he wake up?“ he heard a groggy voice ask.

His gaze fixed onto Max, who was looking over at him. „Yes, it looks like it,“ she answered as she turned back towards Eddie. 

And then all of a sudden Richie was wide awake. „Eddie,“ he said. „Eddie,“ he repeated it like a mantra. He stood up so quickly that his head began to spin and his chair almost fell over. Within seconds he was leaning over Eddie, covering his cheek with his hand. „Eddie,“ again, but desperate. 

„'m here, Rich,“ Eddie assured him, his voice still sounding sleepy. Richie stroked through Eddies hair with his other hand, looking up at Max now. „When did he wake up?“

„Just about five minutes ago. We just wanted to wake you up but it seems like that wont be necessary anymore.“ 

„Yeah,“ Richie affirmed, „thank you, Max. For everything.“

Max shrugged nonchalantly, giving him a big smile before saying „of course, you‘re welcome. I‘ll leave you two alone now for a while,“ and then she was gone again.

„My god, Eddie. You did it,“ Richie breathed, now covering his other cheek with his other hand as well, careful to avoid touching the stitches there. 

With shaky hands Eddie reached up to hold onto Richies wristst and he closed his eyes momentarily. „We did it,“ he repeated. 

Some of Richies tears fell onto his hands, some then rolling down onto Eddies face but they both ignored it, too engrossed in their feeling of ecstasy to care.

„I thought I would lose you,“ Richie admitted „I was so scared.“

„I‘m sorry,“ Eddie replied. „You won‘t lose me.“

—-

„Are you waiting for Eddie Kaspbrak?“ The nurse that had just stepped out of the ICU asked them.

„Yes,“ Mike replied for all of them, his voice laced with anxiety.

All of the waiting losers got up out of their seats and jogged towards Max.

„He‘s awake now. Our policy only allows for two visitors at a time and I do believe Mr. Tozier will want to stay with him so only one of you could visit him at this time.“

Ben spoke up next „Oh, thank god. Thank you so much.“

„Wh-Who wants t-to go first?“ Bill asked, looking at all of them in turn.

„I‘ll go, if nobody minds,“ Beverly spoke up. All of the losers agreed to it and Beverly was lead through the same hallways that Richie had walked just a few hours ago.

—-

Eddie had to spend the next two days in the ICU before he was moved to a different room since he was in a stable condition and his wounds were healing very well and fast. 

Since he was still very weak, he was asleep for most of the time he was in the ICU. Therefore he didn‘t notice a lot of the stuff around him, he did feel Richies presence though. Eddie would always know when Richie was around.

Richie had stayed the entire time. Three entire days in the hospital. The nurses, especially Max and Arthur, were starting to get worried. Whenever Max voiced her concerns, trying to get Richie to go home and take care of himself for a bit, she was met with protests. „No, no, I‘ll stay with Eddie,“ he would say. 

The losers visited daily. Whilst Eddie was still in the ICU, they would take turns in who got to visit Eddie along with Richie. But Richie refused to leave Eddies side unless it was completely necessary. Later on, when Eddie was transferred to a single hospital room, they came as a group, all surrounding Eddies bed, everyone trying to talk to him at the same time. 

He would chuckle a little, just as much as his stomach could handle without putting him in immense pain. And Bev, sitting on the side of his bed, would touch his arm as he coughed, and her eyes would speak so many words she couldn‘t say herself. „Thank you for being the bravest one of us. Thank you for risking your own life to save Richie. Thank you for saving him.“

The losers all stayed with him until they had all made sure he was completely fine. One wrong word from him could mean they stayed another hour longer. Eddie didn‘t want them to worry too much so he began to imply that they should leave, saying that they probably need to pack or something or the other. So by 4pm they had all left. All except for Richie, of course. 

Eddie kept telling him to go with them, to eat something, to take a shower „you stink and look gross, Richie.“

„What did you expect, Spaghetti? Just a few days ago I was in the underground lair of an evil intergalactic clown. A man gets dirty.“ 

„You’re disgusting,“ he said and then he chuckled, followed by an „Ow,“ and him gripping at the bandages over his wound. Richie jumped up to try and help him somehow, anyhow. 

„It‘s okay, it‘s okay,“ Eddie assured. „I‘m okay.“ 

Richie went silent, sat back down in his chair and looked down at his fiddling hands, to which Eddie raised his eyebrows in concern. „Rich-"

„You saved my life back there, Eds,“ he took a shaky breath „and you almost died.“ Almost. No, not almost. Eddie died. He was dead. Richie felt it, he felt the absence of a pulse, of breathing. Sometimes Richie even believes Eddie really died down there. That this was just a dream his grieving brain was making up for him. Or maybe he even died with Eddie down there and this is his afterlife. Oh what a beautiful thought that was... Spending eternity with Eddie. With his minds version of him and the losers. The version of them he had still ingrained in his brain; how they all were 27 years ago. 

„I didn‘t,“ Eddie replied, turning his face over to Richie, his pillow rustling underneath his head. All was real. And steady. Eddie was here and he was smiling at him and he was so beautiful. 

Suddenly the door opened and Max came striding in. „Good evening, Eddie,“ then she noticed the other man still sitting next to his bed „Richie,“ she added with a concerned smile. 

„Hey,“ Eddie replied, giving Max a small smile and Richie simoly lifted his hand in greeting.

Max had grown quite close to Eddie and Richie in the very short time they had known her. She was one of the most compassionate and kind people Richie had ever met and he appreciated her so much. She even recognized Richie from a video one of her colleagues had sent her of him. Wondering what video it could‘ve been, he asked her, and she showed it to him. He regretted it. It was from his show right after he had gotten Mikes call and Richie felt like throwing up again right then and there. She had noticed and comforted him as he struggled to find an excuse for his behavior. She stopped him, told him she didn‘t need an explanation, that he wasn‘t obligated to give one, and continued to calm him down.  
Yeah, Richie really liked her.

„Now I know that it‘s none of my business and I know you love your husband but I really think you should go home, Richie. Take a shower.“ She then wandered towards the windows to open one of them, letting the fresh air waft in, not noticing Eddies wide eyes or the way Richie shifted in his seat uncomfortably, avoiding Eddies gaze.

When she turned back around she was immediately met with Eddies shocked face, his mouth agape and his eyebrows raised so high Max felt like they might connect with his hairline soon. „Oh, you didn‘t know this, Eddie? He hasn‘t left since you‘ve been admitted yesterday,“ she tried to explain.

Eddie tried to gather his thoughts that were strewn around in his mind, tried to make them make sense without any success. After a minute of complete and utter silence throughout the room, Eddie realized that Max had spoken to him and he was expected to answer. He decided to play along for Max. 

„He didn‘t?“ he asked in a shaky voice, even though Eddie was fully aware that Richie had never left his side. Richie could be smelled miles away. 

Max gave him a sweet smile before she walked back towards the door. She opened the door but before she left she turned back around, leaning her back against the open door to prevent it from closing again. „You should have seen him. Holding your hand when you were asleep and talking to you when he thought no one was around,“ she gave Richie a small wink as he shyly looked at her „you have something very special. Hold onto it.“ 

And then she was gone, and the door fell back closed with a dull thump. The wind whistled outside, the curtains rustled against each other as the cold air paid them a visit. Richie had his gaze fixed on the closed door, his hands in his jacket pockets. It was Eddies jacket. Mike had brought it when he had visited two days prior. If Eddie noticed, he didn‘t mention it. 

The bedsheets rustled, echoing throughout the white room as Eddie tried to sit upright. Without a single word, Richie quickly jumped to his feet to help Eddie up and to put the pillow behind his back for some comfort. As soon as Eddie was sitting, Richie tried to move back to his own seat but Eddies hand on his shoulder prevented him from doing so.

When Eddie was sure that Richie would not sit back down and ignore that this had ever happened, he let him go. Richies - No, Eddies - jacket still held the crinkles from Eddies fist.

Taking a deep breath, culminating all of his strength, all of the bravery he knew he had thanks to Richie, he asked „Why did she call you my-,“ he swallowed around the word „my husband?“ 

Richie sighed, looked up at the ceiling, then back down, rubbed his neck, shoved his hand back into his jacket pocket. „Eds, I-" he adjusted his glasses. The crack in them still had some blood left in it. Eddies blood. 

„I can‘t do this,“ Richie admitted. 

He slumped back down into his chair, taking off his glasses to rest his head in his hands, gripping the bridge of his noses as he squeezed his eyes shut. 

„Rich...“

He took a deep breath and put his glasses back down, he stretched his back and adjusted his stance, but he didn‘t look up at Eddie. He was terrified of what he‘d see there. What Eddies eyes would tell him. 

„Okay, okay. I told them you were my partner so I could stay with you,“ Richie said. This was it. This is what it was about, right? 

Right. „Okay,“ Eddie answered. „Okay,“ he repeated.

„Eddie, I-"

„Don‘t. Richie Tozier don‘t you dare apologize to me.“ 

Richie looked up at him then, finally meeting Eddies eyes, and the wind seemed to calm down outside. 

Eddie was looking at him with such an intensity that, for a second, Richie was unsure if this was the same small and insecure Eddie he had fallen in love with all those years ago. „Richie,“ he said, and then, back in his small and shaky voice he repeated it „Richie,“ he took a deep breath „remember when I said I needed to tell you something?“

Richie frowned at him, shaking his head ever so slightly. Whether in answer or in disbelief, Eddie did not know. „And I said that I fucked your mom?“ He continued, and Richie nodded „Yeah, I remember.“

„That wasn‘t what I wanted to tell you. I-" he paused, tried gathering back his strength, searching in every nook and cranny in his mind for that one surge again. That one surge that had saved Richie and brought him here. „I wanted to tell you that I‘m in love with you.“

No reply came. Instead Richie was looking at Eddies face but he wasn’t really looking, Eddie saw that. His heartbeat had gotten so fast that he thought Richie could hear it. 

The wind picked back up outside, Richie felt the breeze against the back of his neck, making his hairs stand up from the cold and he rubbed his arms for warmth. 

Eddie was terrified, he really was. But there was still that little current of bravery in him. The little current that would never leave him again. He wouldn‘t let it. One day it would grow so big that Eddie could do anything, anything at all, and Eddie was excited for that day. Today wasn‘t that day, but it was the beginning of his journey towards it.

„Come here,“ Eddie then said, slowly trying to scoot over on the bed and lifting his blanket, inviting Richie to join him. 

And Richie did. 

The silence lingered on. They both listened to the distant beeping from another patients room, let themselves feel the cold breeze still wafting inside in short intervals. Let the blanket protect them both of it. 

„I‘m in love with you too,“ Richie spoke into the echoing room, letting the wind carry his words outside and into the whole world. Finally letting himself admit it. Not only admit to his feelings for Eddie, but to his identity. The one thing he had longed to complete, and to finally find peace with. He‘s found peace. Here, in this bleak room on this uncomfortable bed, next to Eddie. His Eddie. 

He felt Eddie look over at him and heard a small intake of breath before he turned his head as well. Richie pulled his arm out from under the blanket and laid it in between them, holding his palm out for Eddie to take. 

Eddie did. And their palms fit together like they were made for each other. And Richie felt like he was 13 again when they made that blood oath - when he held onto Eddies hand with his bleeding one. They weren‘t bleeding now. And they weren‘t in danger anymore.

„Can I kiss you?“ Richie asked nervously, his thumb sliding over the back of Eddies hand. „Please,“ Eddie whispered back.

When their lips connected, all sound around them ceased. The car horns stopped blaring, the wind didn‘t howl anymore, the footsteps from the hallway stopped echoing throughout the room. It was just them. In this moment. Richie and Eddie. R + E.

Eddie pulled away first, leaning down to let his head rest on Richies shoulder as he sighed contently. „I‘ve been dreaming of this since I was 13,“ he admitted, smiling softly to himself. „Me too,“ Richie replied, resting his cheek on the top of Eddies head. 

„You still smell like shit.“

Richie just laughed loudly.


End file.
